Forgiveness is one of those concepts that sounds noble in theory but can feel impossible in practice—especially when you’ve been hurt, betrayed or wronged. And yet, as psychologist and author Rick Hanson reminds us, forgiveness isn’t about letting someone “off the hook.” It’s about freeing yourself.
Let’s get one thing clear: forgiveness isn’t about pretending something didn’t happen. It’s not about excusing bad behaviour, minimising pain, or handing out moral pardons. It’s about giving up the resentment—not the accountability.
Hanson distinguishes between two meanings of forgiveness:
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Letting go of resentment or anger.
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Pardoning the offence; stopping the pursuit of retribution.
In this context, we’re talking about the first: the internal process of letting go, even when justice still matters.
The Heavy Price of Holding On
When you carry a grudge, it’s like dragging around emotional baggage that weighs on your mind, body, and spirit. You may feel righteous or justified in your anger—and sometimes, you are. But resentment doesn’t punish the person who wronged you. It punishes you.
It keeps you tethered to the past, reliving the pain and rehearsing your case like a courtroom drama. And if the person in question doesn’t even know you’re angry (or worse, doesn’t care), the emotional labour is entirely yours to bear. As Hanson puts it: you take your own heart wherever you go.
The emotional toll is real—stress, anxiety, sleep disruption, even physical illness. Meanwhile, the offender is living rent-free in your head.
Research from the Greater Good Science Center supports this. Studies show that holding onto anger activates the body’s stress response: increased heart rate, higher blood pressure, and elevated cortisol levels. Over time, this chronic stress compromises immune function, disrupts sleep, and may even increase the risk of heart disease. Forgiveness, by contrast, is associated with better physical and mental health, including improved mood, increased hopefulness, and reduced symptoms of depression and anxiety.
But What If It Feels Unforgivable?
Some things might not be forgivable—at least not right now. Maybe not ever. And that’s OK. Recognising that some acts are beyond the line creates space for you to authentically forgive others. Forgiveness is a personal, even sacred, choice.
You don’t have to rush it. You don’t have to fake it. But you can remain open to the possibility that someday, letting go might serve you more than anyone else.
As Dr. Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project and frequent collaborator with the Greater Good Science Center, says:
“Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. It’s not about condoning or forgetting. It’s about finding peace and meaning in your own life, regardless of what the other person chooses to do.”
Forgiveness is for Everyday Life, Too
We often associate forgiveness with big, dramatic betrayals. But most of the time, it's the small stuff that weighs us down: a friend’s thoughtless comment, a partner’s indifference, a colleague’s cold shoulder.
Every day, we’re offered tiny opportunities to practise forgiveness—moments to unclench our jaw, soften our heart, and move forward without dragging the day’s irritations behind us.
These smaller acts of forgiveness are crucial. Research by the Greater Good Science Center shows that cultivating a forgiving disposition—letting go more easily in day-to-day interactions—can significantly boost life satisfaction, strengthen relationships, and reduce stress-related illness.
How to Practise Forgiveness (Without Losing Yourself)
Hanson suggests a grounded, practical approach:
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Protect yourself first. Forgiveness isn’t about becoming a doormat. Safeguard your boundaries and don’t ignore harm or risk. You can forgive and still hold someone accountable.
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Seek support. Let others witness your pain. Being seen helps release shame and validates your experience.
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Feel it to heal it. Honour your emotions. Don’t suppress the anger, grief or hurt. Let it breathe. Let it move. Then let it go when it’s ready.
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Watch your narrative. Are you exaggerating their intent? Are you replaying the event on a loop? Try to challenge the story. Not to excuse it, but to loosen its grip.
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Consider the cost. What is your anger stealing from your life? What would it feel like to set that burden down?
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Zoom out. Consider the 10,000 causes that shaped the other person’s behaviour: their upbringing, stress, health, fear, or unhealed wounds. Not to absolve them, but to understand the complexity of human behaviour.
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Don’t take it personally. Pain is part of being human. Life bruises all of us. Often, it’s not about you—it’s about them.
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Choose peace. The past won’t change, but your relationship to it can. Don’t let the person who hurt you steal your present too. If they took your money, don’t also give them your mind.
The Secret Payoff
Here’s the real secret: forgiveness feels good. It restores your agency. It closes the loop. It returns you to yourself—not as a victim or a reactor, but as someone who chooses how to live. You shift from being the nail to being the hammer.
And perhaps the most profound transformation of all? Learning to forgive yourself. For the times you messed up. For what you didn’t know. For what you tolerated. In doing so, you uncover a deeper truth: you are still worthy. Still good.
The Greater Good Science Center emphasises the power of self-forgiveness in long-term mental wellbeing. Research shows that those who can forgive themselves are more likely to experience resilience, emotional stability, and personal growth—especially after mistakes or failures.
Final Thought
Forgiveness isn’t about the other person. It’s a gift you give yourself. Not because they deserve it, but because you do.
So, are you holding onto something heavy? Maybe today’s the day you loosen your grip—even just a little.
Photo by NADER AYMAN on Unsplash