In the latest episode of Skin & Within, host Claire Gray opens up a powerful conversation about self-worth, confidence and the stories we tell ourselves. Joining her are coaching duo Aarti Joshi and Sharon Stephen from Freedom and Joy Coaching—two women who left behind high-pressure careers in the music and media industries to help others rewrite their inner narrative.

At the heart of this conversation is the idea that true confidence isn’t something we’re born with—it’s something we can build. And it all starts with the voice inside our heads.

Aarti and Sharon unpack the concept of the “inner critic,” that relentless voice that casts doubt, magnifies mistakes, and chips away at our self-esteem. With studies showing that we have around 60,000 thoughts a day—and 75% of them are negative—it’s no surprise that many of us feel stuck or not good enough. But instead of letting that voice run the show, they offer a simple but powerful reframe: name it. Giving your inner critic a name and personality turns it into something you can challenge, rather than something that defines you.

Throughout the episode, Clare, Aarti and Sharon explore how confidence is something that grows through small, intentional action. Whether it’s setting a boundary, speaking up, or making time for something you love—each choice becomes a building block. It’s not about perfection. It’s about showing up.

They also break down the myth that self-love is self-indulgent. On the contrary—it’s the foundation for how we show up in the world. When we care for ourselves, we’re more present, more grounded, and more able to support others. As they put it: “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

This episode is a reminder that confidence isn’t a destination, it’s a daily practice—and one that’s deeply tied to how we speak to ourselves and what we believe we deserve.

If you’ve ever struggled with self-doubt, imposter syndrome, or the feeling that you’re not “enough,” this one’s for you.

🎧 Listen now and take your first step towards a more confident, self-assured you.

 

 

TRANSCRIPT

Skin and Within helps you find your inner glow with insights from wellness experts

>> Claire Gray: The Big Light presents. Welcome to Skin and Within, where I help you find your inner glow with insights from wellness experts. I'm Claire Gray, founder of Ermana Natural skincare and passionate wellness warrior. In this series, I'm exploring how to find radiance that's not just skin deep, but leads to a healthier, happier you from the inside out. In today's episode, we're going to explore self love and confidence. I had the most amazing conversation with Artie Joshi and Sharon Stephen of Freedom and Joy coaching. We talked about how confidence affects your well being and how to find your happy. Listen out for how to find your internal sat nav, how many thoughts you have each day, and also, is your inner voice a chicken or a brat? Let's go. Artie and Sharon, thanks so much for coming along today. I really appreciate you taking the time out from your coaching.

Sharon and I met in New York when I was managing a band

Can you give me a bit of a background bit background to both of you and why you chose to move into the world of coaching and wellness?

>> Artie Joshi: Yeah, totally. thank you for having us as well, Claire. It's so nice. We actually had 10 mad days in New York together, which is where it all started.

>> Claire Gray: Okay.

>> Artie Joshi: so we, the two of us, we knew each other and we had really similar groups of friends. And then I went out to New York with a band I managed, the Lafontines. Sharon was living in New York and we just really bonded. We were just properly. We had 10 days of excess, but also just real nice times with each other and loads of stories that totally brought us together. And then when we came back, we both were very much in that, world of music where we were like, work, work, work. I think Sharon, you first decided to do a coaching course. And I think our journey has always been that, like, Sharon is probably six months to a year ahead of me in the journey.

>> Claire Gray: Right.

>> Artie Joshi: Always the case. I'm always like, that looks like a good thing to do. You just got her homework and then I guess talk about our separate journeys.

Jack was made redundant from his day job in 2015 and sought coaching

I'll, let you talk about yours first. Why you went there. Yeah, music's mental.

>> Sharon Stephen: It is so similar to Artie. My background is in the music industry as well. I was an artist mat manager for many years, which led me out to New York where I met Artie. But we'll save that story for out out probably. So, yeah, around that time, you know, I was juggling artist management. I was doing a lot of live shows as well. I was a gig rep for a long time too. And m kind of holding down a day job as well, trying to make ends meet. So 2015 came along and I was made redundant from the day job I was in. And it was one of those moments where I kind of took stock and I was like, what am I going to do next? so I decided to set myself up as self employed, which, in hindsight, I was like, well, this is good. It'll give me a bit of freedom and flexibility. Ultimately, what it did is it just gave me this real scarce mindset. I was just constantly worrying about the next paycheck and taking on everything and anything. And fast forward four years, I was in a really miserable place and I couldn't really figure out why, but yet I didn't really have the time to take stock and figure out what was not going. What was happening? You know what I think?

>> Artie Joshi: Isn't it, like, what was happening for you? Like, what's happening for you? We ask that a lot.

>> Sharon Stephen: Totally. I just couldn't push the pause button. So it was a real fear, you know, I might lose out or lose work or. Yeah, it wasn't a pleasant place to be. And then, through a consultancy role I was doing at the time, I got offered a coaching programme, which was incredible. And, six months later, it literally changed my life. It was 360.

>> Claire Gray: And that's from a mindset point of view. The coaching helped you change your mindset from where it was.

>> Sharon Stephen: Changed my career, everything. And do you know, it was an hour. It was six sessions, one hour a month. And it was enough time just to gather my thoughts, really see what was happening and just go, actually, there is another way. There's another way to do this. And, by the end of 2019, I trained as a coach myself and I was like, that's it. Ah, I want everyone to do this. This is amazing.

>> Claire Gray: So it was such a. A transformational experience for you. You wanted other people to experience it.

>> Sharon Stephen: Absolutely.

>> Claire Gray: And you wanted to help people find their confidence and find their happy, so to speak.

>> Sharon Stephen: Absolutely. And the way that we were working, particularly in that freelance world, there were so many people, you know, doing on that treadmill as well. I was like, you know what if I can find another way to do this and approach it, it's like, surely other people would benefit from this too. And I don't think Artie knew I was subliminally coaching her at the same time.

>> Artie Joshi: Oh, she totally was. So, like, a year later, quite literally. So I got sent a, future Leaders course from my work. And at the time I was very different, I think, to what I am now. I was very much like, I will be MD in five years. That is my plan. and I got sent in this course. I'd never been coached before. I didn't know what it was. and I was a bit like, great, go on this course, couple of days of jolly, and I'll come back. And there were so many things, things that we'll talk about in a wee bit, but, like, about your inner voice and how you, like, what is the story that you tell about yourself and stuff. And I was just. What? I genuinely did not know about any of these thought processes. I'm so in, like, ambitious, driven mode. And I remember the very moment that my m. Life changed. It was so weird. I had a coaching session with a woman, and I was coached by women from the Handel group who coached Obama and Hugh Jackman. And it was wild, right? So she was incredible. She was like a wee Greek New Yorker. And she was just really like, no, you don't. And, she would just be really quite shouty. But I like that. Again, it's about different styles of coaching. And she said to me, so why do you want to be md? And I was like, I just. Like, my entire world just fell apart. Cause I was like, I don't know.

>> Claire Gray: Okay.

>> Artie Joshi: No one's ever asked why before.

>> Claire Gray: You were blindly ambitious.

>> Artie Joshi: Blindly ambitious. And then basically got coached similar to Sharon. It did really change my life. So I was just like, oh, what do I want? And I don't know how often you ever ask yourself what you want. I don't think I'd ever ask myself that. And I come from parents who moved here from Kenya as well. So this level of success that you're expected to achieve, not from my parents, to be fair, but like this, like, you must be better. Look at the opportunities you have. So I think I was always driven by that. And then similarly to Sharon, I thought that was an incredible experience, but don't really know what to do with it.

>> Claire Gray: Okay.

>> Artie Joshi: During COVID I trained as a coach because I thought it might be helpful in my job. At this point, I was kind of starting to think, what could I do? I also artist managed at the time, and I had just started during lockdown presenting a show on GO Radio.

M. M. talks about how coaching can change your perspective on life

And the way I felt about the two things, I remember a coach asking me, like, how do you feel about your current job? And how do you feel about your GO radio job and coaching? And I said to her, so, about my current job, I feel like I am, constantly on fire and drowning at the same time. And about the other stuff, I just feel really light and blah, blah, blah. And I think that was a real turn of books. It's like with coaching, hearing your own words reflected back at you. You're like, whoa, that's quite powerful. So then we both, after lockdown, came together and we just kind of started chatting, didn't we? We were like, we should totally do something together. And then literally clear within I think a four hour period. We'd set up a business, we'd named it. It was the first time I think I've experienced proper flow.

>> Claire Gray: Amazing.

>> Artie Joshi: Like where we were just like, this is what we're gonna do. And that was it. Like we've started Freedom and joy.

>> Claire Gray: And it's such a great name. Love the name.

>> Artie Joshi: So it's actually based on our values. So we do a values exercise with all our clients.

>> Claire Gray: Uh-huh.

>> Artie Joshi: And our leading values, which chances. Freedom, meaning joy.

>> Claire Gray: Right.

>> Sharon Stephen: Okay, we'll talk about values in a bit. Key part of coaching and why it's so powerful.

>> Artie Joshi: Amazing.

>> Sharon Stephen: Okay.

>> Claire Gray: M. So.

Building confidence is more the ability to take action than self esteem

>> Artie Joshi: And now we're here.

>> Claire Gray: And now we're here to talk about it. So how do you think confidence? It might sound quite obvious, but if how do you think confidence affects people's wellbeing, then building people's confidence affects their well being.

>> Artie Joshi: You talked about this earlier about the kind of, like the way you talk to yourself.

>> Sharon Stephen: Totally. I think confidence is more the ability to take action. So if you don't have confidence, you are less likely to take action.

>> Claire Gray: Right.

>> Sharon Stephen: But confidence also comes from a place of self esteem and how you feel about yourself. So you kind of need to have both. So usually what tends to happen is that we wait. You know, we wait, you know, tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and feel confident I'm gonna do this. That never happens. And we kind of set ourself up on a false journey, if you like. I was gonna. I was just thinking about New Year's resolutions. That's the perfect example. First of January, I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna have a healthier diet. I'm gonna do this. We set ourselves such mad, mad goals. They're not specific, they're not measurable. And ultimately we're setting ourselves up to fail. So what that does is dent our confidence. So we're. So we take a step back, which just depletes our self esteem and how we feel about ourselves. So we're less likely to think about, well, what else can we do? So yeah, that's how I feel. That they all marry together. We actually need confidence to take action.

>> Claire Gray: To take action and to do all the things that will help us feel better.

>> Artie Joshi: Exactly.

So when people come to you, then what do most people ask for with confidence

>> Claire Gray: So when people come to you, then what do most people come to you? asking you to help them with confidence?

>> Artie Joshi: Because when we started the business, we both had a very clear idea that we wanted to particularly help women because we both worked in worlds of work where we see women who are incredible struggle mostly because they're not confident enough. And, I personally, I think Sharon really does as well. Like just that way where we would be like, what? Why are you not confident in your own ability? And I think with coaching, what it allows you to do is figure out why. So it's what Sharon's talking about is that whole thing of, like, the way you talk to yourself, but also the setting of a goal or meeting of a goal, but ultimately also, like, why is that happening for you? Why do you not feel confident? Is it the environment around you or is it how you talk to yourself? And that was probably the thing for us that was like, women and confidence are the things that we focus on. And I would say pretty much 98% of our clients, that's what we help them with.

>> Sharon Stephen: And also a big part of what we see is people tend to reach out for coaches when they feel stuck or lost. And it's kind of. And it's generally because they've lost sight of what's important to them. You know, we're kind of caught up in the humdrum of life. And like, I was, you know, just in that 24, 7 work cycle without really stopping to take stock of what's important. And that's when our values come into play. And that's a huge part of coaching where we, you know, really, in the initial stages, we're like, well, what is actually important to you and how is this playing out in your work life, in every area of your life? Like, for me, like, freedom was my key value. And when I look back and reflect on how I used to work, there was no freedom there, which caused so much resentment. And that really low energy feeling, because I wasn't.

>> Claire Gray: It was a complete opposite of what you need in your life.

>> Artie Joshi: There's such a physical manifestation as well with you when you are, ah, not experiencing freedom. Like I've seen it with Sharon, it's like, actually it comes out through your pores, right?

>> Claire Gray: Okay. So your body language changes and everything.

>> Artie Joshi: And you actually see that as well. When you coach people and you ask them about something that makes them happy or like, really gives them that freedom. You, you read their face. So we read people's faces as well as their words. And I'll sometimes say your face is saying something a bit different, like, what's happening there? And they'll be like, oh my God, is it? But actually you look like you're trapped when you're not experiencing freedom.

>> Sharon Stephen: I feel imprisoned. That's the way to describe it.

>> Claire Gray: And that's not good. So people are coming to you literally when they feel lost. They need to find their direction again. And the reason that they are lost, they're feeling that way, is probably because they've lost their confidence. So you will then attempt to help them build their confidence back up again. So in what ways do you do that? What kind of things? How do you start out?

>> Artie Joshi: So good place is probably like what Sharon's talking about with values. Like, so that's your internal, like, what do we call it? Like your North Star, your internal SAT nav. So like, what are the things that make you you? What do you believe in? So like, for a lot of people, honesty will be really high up there. For some people it's ambition or some people it's competition, like, that really drives, them. And so we will do an exercise where it's basically like 110 words. And we sit with. We put those 110 words on the screen or when we see you and we say, right, pick 10. And we don't give anyone any real parameters around that. It's just like, what are the 10 words that speak to you? And it tells you so much about somebody. And we narrow that right down. So we say, then narrow that down to five, narrow it down to three, narrow it down to one. And the most fun part of that exercise, I think, is that people find it really, really hard with words to pick 10. They find it hard to narrow down. So you find it easy to pick 10. And then when it comes to like, this is the word that you're living life by, they don't wanna. And often what'll happen is they'll say, oh my God, I've picked that. But, I don't know when that happens. So that's almost step one. And then we usually, I would say, like, it's generally the first two sessions will be these, like you'll have. So it's like fact finding. When you're approach, you're fact finding about your client and you're figuring out what makes them tick. And at the core everything is like, we absolutely believe that our clients are Whole and resourceful. So it's just that they've lost sight of that. They just forgot that they're so great.

So then we do a wheel of life, which is like 10 separate areas

So then we do a wheel of life, which is like 10 separate areas of your life and you rate them out of 10, which is quite brutal. Gosh.

>> Claire Gray: Right, okay, so like social life, family life, career, I'm assuming literally like your.

>> Artie Joshi: Physical environment, your health, your relationships and love always, like what your interpretation of love is as well. And you will always get from that, like you always say is like a seesaw. So there'll be one that's really high and one that's really low and we'll be like, right, what's happening there? And the minute you ask somebody what's happening, they tell you everything.

>> Claire Gray: Right.

>> Artie Joshi: So then you start to figure out, okay, what's the story? What would you like to work on? How are we going to work through this?

>> Claire Gray: I'm assuming you need people to be open if you're going to help them. You need them to disarm themselves slightly.

>> Artie Joshi: But we also have ways to get them to be open. Some people will just go, I just don't know. I don't know what to talk about. And they're scared because it is scary talking about everything that's in your head and it's almost taking all that out, laying it out openly and being like, right, let's sort through this. What do I want to put back in my head?

>> Claire Gray: Yeah, you make yourself vulnerable as well, aren't you?

>> Artie Joshi: Oh, so much. Yeah. And I think that's why we really like. It's a private and confidential space. It never leaves the session. And whatever you say in that session has no judgement. I think that's really important.

>> Sharon Stephen: Yeah. And generally if you give someone that space to talk, they're going to use it. And you can start picking out, you know, the little of the keywords and things. But generally when we're doing, the values, the exercise in particular, that's such a foundational point of the journey forward because it always comes back to the values, because that really is your sat nav. It's, you know, it highlights your purpose and your motivation to do things, you know, so we go from that and then looking at the wheel of life. The beautiful thing about it is you may spend all session on one, one section of it, but it actually impacts every single area which. And it'll change from session to session too.

>> Claire Gray: And I take it again, the other reason people are there is because they know that wheel is out of balance. They know they've Maybe. Or spending more time seeing work than they are in their leisure time or time with their friends and family.

Self talk massively affects your confidence and it's something that we all do

So you touched on earlier on, something I want to talk about a bit more was self talk because obviously self talk massively affects your confidence and it's something that we all do. And I think it's. I've only learned recently that we automatically go to the negative because of the fight or flight thing. So I've only just learned that. I thought it was just me favourite thing.

>> Artie Joshi: Literally our favourite thing in the world to talk about. It's like, do you know when you tell people that it's like it blows their mind. So like you're, you've got the number of thoughts, don't you? Like I love this.

>> Sharon Stephen: I use this all the time. So. And I had to write it down just to get it right. So we have on average 60,000 thoughts a day, right? 75% of them are negative, 95% of them are repetitive.

>> Artie Joshi: It's so scary, isn't it?

>> Sharon Stephen: It's scary. So see, trying to break free from that, that is a huge challenge in itself. So what we do, okay, and this is really coming from the fight or flight part of our brain. So our inner is that negative self chatter. What it actually does is try to keep us safe. It's trying to self soothe us, it's.

>> Artie Joshi: Trying to be our friend.

>> Sharon Stephen: But we're just like.

>> Artie Joshi: Because it likes to stay at school, it's basically like, so Sharon, you should just do everything as it is just now because this is safe and we know what this is. And you'll usually hear which is my favourite thing is like, I wonder if listeners actually think about which one of these they hear in their head. Your inner voice is either a chicken or a brat. So pure inner voice is like, oh no, I don't want to do that. Oh no, that's too scary. Oh, that feels real. Oh, I should leave that. It's a chicken. Okay, if your negative, if your inner voice is like mine and it sounds like this, I don't think you need to go to the gym today. I feel like you're quite tired. You probably deserve an extra hour in bed. Then it's a brat. And I remember being told that and laughing and being like, oh my God, mine is such a brat. What is yours as?

>> Claire Gray: Mine's a chicken.

>> Artie Joshi: Yours is a chicken.

>> Sharon Stephen: I gave mine a personality. It became Patsy, from A.B. a.H. Faber.

>> Artie Joshi: So that's what we do with our clients.

>> Claire Gray: So a friend of mine, right, so she gave me this Tip. She calls her Sheila because she was told to disassociate it from her. So whenever the voice comes into her head, she just says, shut it, Sheila.

>> Artie Joshi: That's so brilliant. Mine is called Kira. Okay. And the first time I ever like, this is quite funny. So just be careful about when you talk to your inner voice. So I was going to do my first shift at GO Radio and I was literally about to walk out the door and I was locking my front door and I said, do you know what, Kira? I don't need you today. You can just fucking stay here. Right? And I shut the door and I'm not even. My neighbour was behind me and she was like, who are you talking to? And I was like, I talked to my inner voice. She was just like, cool, stay away.

>> Claire Gray: From that crazy neighbour.

>> Artie Joshi: It's like really, really powerful. If you. Like. We always say with our clients, if they have that inner voice, which no one I've ever come across doesn't have, is like, draw it, name it, figure out what it is. Because then if you other it, it's not you.

>> Claire Gray: Yeah, I know. See, again, I didn't. This again, ignorance. I assumed it was just me that had the voice or other overthinkers.

>> Artie Joshi: Apparently, 50% of people don't have an inner monologue. And I'm like, I'm sorry, what?

>> Claire Gray: Surely they must have. They must be really bored then. Yeah. So after my friend told me about Sheila, I've called mine Ivy because potentially it could be poisonous and grow arms and legs. I've got to kind of try and restrict it from m growing. So I have found that helps me because it's so easy to just pull yourself right down that rabbit hole of negativity, isn't it?

>> Artie Joshi: I mean, I talk to mine a lot, like. And it sounds mad, right? But it's like, often I'll be like, what, do you need? What is it you want? Okay. Calling out. Yeah, because it is. It's like, why are you getting in my way? Why am I getting in my way? Actually, if you're gonna be meta about it. But why are you getting in your way? What is it that you're scared of? Or what is it? Cause it always comes from fear.

>> Claire Gray: I know, I know. And once you understand that as well, I think it does help you, doesn't it?

>> Artie Joshi: And we'll sometimes see our clients write down, when you hear that voice, write down what it's saying. And then in your next session, let's look at what it's saying and how you Might tackle that.

>> Claire Gray: Okay, so then you're helping to steer them towards positivity just by questioning it.

I had one client who called Alexa to control her inner monologue

Yeah, absolutely.

>> Sharon Stephen: And I think as well, you know, we can't really turn the, inner critic voice off, but we can control the volume. So I had one client.

>> Artie Joshi: That's a really good way to look at it.

>> Sharon Stephen: I had one client in particular, which was genius. She called it Alexa. So she was just like, alexa, shut it. And just like, control. That's how she controlled her inner monologue. I thought, I'm taking that. That's amazing. That's brilliant. yeah, but again, if you just remember it's there to be your friend. It's trying to keep you safe so you can actually start comforting, making friends and comforting the inner voice. It just is a way to navigate it.

>> Claire Gray: Wow. It's quite hard work though, isn't it?

>> Sharon Stephen: It's a lot better.

>> Claire Gray: And I think. Right.

How do you differentiate between loving yourself versus being selfish

So the other thing, obviously about building confidence and reduce the noise of the self talk, but building confidence, you think as well, some of us are actually scared to do it because we're not supposed to love ourselves. It can come across. There's almost so many negative words with confidence. There's like vain, full of yourself, you know, selfish. Exactly. So how do you differentiate between loving yourself versus being selfish?

>> Artie Joshi: I think it's like you had a really great thing, Sharon, about, like, it's about what you're giving to others and what you're giving yourself. I think this is something we talk about a lot, is you can't fill up anyone else's cup. It's just a fact if yours isn't at least half full because you're just pouring from an empty cup. Right. So like when people will say that you are. And I hate the word selfish, I hate what it means because I think that actually when you do things for yourself, that is you helping and nurturing yourself in order for you to then be able to give to other people and nurture other people and nurture. Like, it's almost like watering the flowers in your garden. You're like, you're the watering can. You're like giving yourself that joy and that kind of, I guess, like just love, aren't you? Like, but what is your,

>> Sharon Stephen: Sometimes like, I feel too like self care. Self love. I feel like the meaning of it has kind of been lost in translation.

>> Claire Gray: Somewhat overused a bit, isn't it?

>> Sharon Stephen: Nowadays you see it on the hashtags and it's become a bit of a commodity as well.

>> Artie Joshi: Well, self care boxes.

>> Sharon Stephen: Yeah, you can buy them on net, all those kind of things. So it's like sometimes like what we like to do is just go back, what's the actual meaning of this? So, okay, you know, and we see it as sometimes as a bit of a luxury rather than a necessity at.

>> Claire Gray: Times too, because time's restrictive.

>> Sharon Stephen: Okay, yeah. And, and just touching on selfishness. I mean, the real definition of that, is the act of taking from others in order to get what we want. Whereas self love is taking care of our needs, and wants without taking advantage of others. and you know, while we do this, we might not be able to give as much as we usually would, but ultimately it's going to enable us to give more.

>> Claire Gray: and you're not physically or emotionally taken from somebody. You're actually, you're building yourself up so you then can help others.

>> Sharon Stephen: That's it.

>> Artie Joshi: I would like to start a campaign to just ban. Selfish is a word. Cause you think, well, I mean, I'm sure there's selfish people out there actually. But like, I, do just think it's such a. You hear people say a lot like, oh, that person's really selfish. And when you say, why are they selfish? They say, well, they just, you know, they just kind of take themselves off and do their own thing. And it's like, how does that affect you? Exactly.

>> Sharon Stephen: Yeah.

>> Claire Gray: How does that impact you?

>> Artie Joshi: And a lot of the time that's a projection. So it's like, well, actually I probably would like to do that, but I can't or I haven't tried. So I'm seeing what someone's doing and its impact and how I feel about my life. Because there's a wee bit of envy or jealousy there about what that person's doing.

>> Claire Gray: Right, okay, that's interesting as well. So say I'll, come back to like your sessions with, with different clients. But you, you're putting out lots of positive stuff and giving people lots of positive tools to help them build their confidence and improve their life and set them on the right track. But obviously life throws things at you along the way. So how do you prepare people for that? When something they have, they come across a setback, you know, something comes away. Maybe they don't get a promotion at work. Maybe they have an issue with a. What advice do you give them then to get them back to where they should be?

>> Artie Joshi: It's funny. It's like actually coaching is the greatest thing for that because it's insightful questions. So actually we are just asking questions about the situation so if they've had a setback, the likelihood is they probably haven't spoken about how they feel with a guided conversation. So it's like, well, why did you feel like that and what did it mean to you? And ultimately finding out what the purpose was of the thing that they wanted allows you to then almost like it is that thing of, like, your North Star, like, okay, let's refocus and let's, like, set you back on the path. What do you need? Where do you want to go? Because it's always like, my favourite thing about coaching that we always talk about is if the first time that you try something, it doesn't work, that's cool. Cause your brain's got 30 million other ways of figuring out how to do that. So we just then go back and go, right, well, how else are you gonna do that? But we also give people to talk about how they feel about that disappointment and feel it right, okay.

>> Sharon Stephen: There's actually a lot of power in a, setback or whatever a disappointment is because it gives us so much to work with. So it's like, well, how do we turn this disappointment around? What was it about that that was such a disappointment? Because ultimately it meant your needs haven't been met. So what are they? So it's almost like you have to come back to go forward again. But that can actually catapult. Catapult us so much forward.

Reframing is all about how we reframe things

>> Artie Joshi: I really want you to talk about your F A I L thing just now. Sharon has this. Honestly, every client we've ever coached is just like, they then go and tell other people about this. I love it so much.

>> Sharon Stephen: I, have to be honest, I adopted it from Mel Robbins. My hero.

>> Claire Gray: Oh, she's amazing.

>> Sharon Stephen: But it's just so great, you know, it's all about how we reframe things. So she talks about failure and, you know, this fear of failure that we constantly have. And actually, it can be our biggest asset because we can get so much from this. But ultimately, what she calls it is a first attempt in learning. And that's what it is, you know, and if we go in with that, mindset, like me coming in here today, this is my first time here, it's like, actually, you know, I'm only going to take so much more from this. It's an experience. Yeah.

>> Claire Gray: Oh. It's like they talk about sports champions, you know, or winners. They're not always winners. It's the practise that gets them to the level that they need to become, you know. You know, that they need to be at to be winners.

>> Artie Joshi: you've read that Ulster Campbell book, haven't you, about winners? Oh, no, I haven't. Oh, that's exactly what it is.

>> Claire Gray: It might be him overhead in a podc. It might be that. But you're always practising, you're always trying to get there.

>> Artie Joshi: Strategy, tactics, plan. Always be a winner. So it's like even your winner, being a winner is a mindset, not necessarily a thing that you achieve, which I think is so lovely. So if you think about yourself as a winner, again, it's that thing of positive mindset, but also growth mindset. So if you don't come where you want to come m at some point, you don't achieve the thing you want to do well, how are you going to get there next? Think about it as actually just the next step as opposed to that's you failed and you then can't move m forward.

>> Claire Gray: Right, okay.

>> Artie Joshi: It's like, how do you reframe it? Like, reframing is the greatest thing in the world. And I don't think I was ever aware of it until I was coached. And I remember my coach said to me, it's as simple as saying, I really get annoyed when I cross the road, or saying, I like to take a minute at the traffic lights to just compose my thoughts before I cross the road. And I was like, I mean, that's also mental, but. But cool. But actually, when you think about things that way, if you actually just think about a different way of looking at something, it changes the way your body feels as well.

>> Sharon Stephen: Yeah.

>> Claire Gray: The previous episode to this, we talked to Dr. David Hamilton, who talks about the whole kindness thing and how that changes your whole body chemistry and your mental health.

How long does it take to make a positive change in your life

So if people, when clients come to you, how long would you say it takes to make that transformation to help them find they're, happy? How long? Or is it different with everyone?

>> Sharon Stephen: It can be very different. Generally, I think on average, six sessions is kind of like a really nice place to start. but people can come in with so many different things that they want to work on. It could just be one situation or a specific problem, or it could be a much bigger thing, such as a career change or anything like that.

>> Artie Joshi: What usually happens, I think, is they come in and then they go through the process and they like the process. So then they're like, oh, they've got this other thing. By the way, like most of our clients, I think, stay with us. But our job is always like, we both are always like, we want you to leave us because we want the process to give you the tools that you need to do this yourself. And you can't really coach yourself, but you do, you can use the tools to get through the things you want to do. So I think it's really important. It's like see if someone's telling you that you need to sign up to like a four year coaching programme, don't do that because you don't know what you need. And actually a good coach would be saying, I want you to feel confident enough to not need me to hold you accountable and actually hold yourself accountable.

>> Claire Gray: Yeah, I did something recently, I don't know if you guys have heard of it, called Sedona hypnotherapy.

>> Artie Joshi: No, but it sounds great.

>> Claire Gray: So it was. So it's a similar idea now probably what you guys do, but it was more about for limiting self beliefs. So again like the self talk. But there'll be certain things that are stopping you from getting to where you need to be. And basically this woman, she was amazing. I did it as a kind of. She just wanted, it was a free workshop just for her to get some feedback and you have to tell her what your limiting self beliefs are. So some of your self talk and when you first start out, saying it, well, I literally couldn't say it because it was such a negative phrase that I told myself I didn't want to hear myself saying it out loud to the point I was almost close to tears. But then she asks you a whole chain of questions, a whole sequence of questions. Then she asks you to say it again and she asks you more questions again which are just yes or no responses. And as time goes on, as you go through this process, by the time you come back to seeing that limiting self belief again out loud for say the third or fourth time has no meaning.

>> Artie Joshi: That's so good.

>> Claire Gray: And it's all about this again, like suppressing how you feel. And you said, you know, you make people call it out and talk about it, but it's the same thing and changing your mindset. And I found like it dramatically helped me but the same thing, you have to keep going back to it because life.

>> Artie Joshi: I like to put my clients in a coaching court of law and it's not as scary as it sounds. And they'll say things about themselves. Like they might say, I have a client said the other day and then I just get really snarky. Right. And I was like, right, okay, okay, let's get in the coaching court of law. I want you to defend yourself from the prosecutor. You're the defendant. And they're like, And I'll say, right, what is the dictionary definition of that word? And they look up the dictionary definition and immediately they go, I don't think that is what I am. Right. And I'll say, so is your case falling apart? And then they'll say, yeah, actually it is. And I'll say, well, give me some evidence then, like, get your evidence bag out. Give me some evidence as to why you're snarky. And usually they go, and it actually works really well when people say, I'm so scared of failing. And then I say, well, tell me about all the times you failed. And they're like, oh, never once when I did a mass test when I was five, it's like. And actually the greatest thing about that is that they go, oh, I've never actually. That's never actually happened. It's not true.

>> Claire Gray: But what happens, even you just talking about it, because probably that's in their heads, they'll be thinking it. When they're doing all the self talk, then what you do, or certainly what I do, you try and suppress it so you're not dealing with it. And that's really funny you saying that, but the court of law. My mum's a counsellor who hits her background. And whenever I used to say things, she would say, where's the evidence? Where's the evidence? You know, and it's there. Aha.

>> Artie Joshi: And sometimes my clients are like a court of law.

>> Sharon Stephen: It's okay.

>> Artie Joshi: It's a coach in court of law, guys. It's cool. And the thing is, I think for people, it's like you don't challenge your own thoughts, you don't challenge your negative thoughts. And they've probably been there for your entire life. And so it's a journey. It's, a journey and it's work, and the work is forever. But actually the work can be really fun.

>> Claire Gray: Yeah, you guys certainly make it sound like fun. I feel quite motivated already.

If you were to give three things to our listeners what would they do

But if you were to give three things to our listeners, three things that our listeners could do if they want to try and build their confidence and improve or get, rid of their negative self talk, what three tips would you give them?

>> Sharon Stephen: I would say take action. Just one small thing, One small thing that, you know, you can do, whether it's to get out for a walk, something like that, it comes from actually taking action. We're actually disempowering ourselves from staying back and, you know, like not going to the gym and not doing the thing because it just becomes a much bigger thought.

>> Claire Gray: So stay. So move out the comfort zone.

>> Sharon Stephen: Move out the comfort zone ever so slightly. Not too much that it's going to scare you, but just a wee action. Yeah. Just enough just to get you moving because that's what it is. It's all about, about building on that momentum.

>> Claire Gray: Okay.

>> Sharon Stephen: And also remember, your thoughts are not facts.

>> Artie Joshi: Yes. True thoughts. Your thoughts are not facts. Yes, you can. I like also that thing of like, do one thing. So if you're doing one thing every day, that's an action. Do one thing every day that makes you happy. And me and Sharon were talking about this, like sometimes that is literally like a bit of buttered toast. Literally. For me it is. I'm like, I bought new marmalade the other day. So ridiculous. But I'm like, oh my God, I can't wait to try that marmalade. Right.

>> Claire Gray: No, I get that. It's like a little treat, something to.

>> Artie Joshi: Look forward to and actually do that for yourself every day because that does build your confidence because it's like you have given yourself something. And I think also like we both talk about there's lots of things you can do. So like journaling is incredible. Meditation is incredible. But the biggest thing about that is don't beat yourself up if you don't do it every day and you're not consistent. See, if you do it, do it. I, I journal and it's good for me and I feel the benefit of it. But do you know what? I can go weeks without doing it and then I'll do it one day and I'll be like, that really helped me. And I'm a coach. Right. So it's like, it's like. And I think also meditation, like, meditation really helps me. Different kinds, I think. Going for a walk, meditative.

>> Claire Gray: Yeah. I've got to be moving to meditative.

>> Artie Joshi: Totally. I don't, I'm not very good at as you know, sitting in one place, just be doing nothing. But I do think like doing things that feel good. But don't ever be like, I must complete this. You don't have to. Things that make you feel good don't have to be completed. They can change as well. You, might change. So they have to change and adapt and just be a bit gentle with yourself.

>> Claire Gray: Yeah. And at the end of the day, from what you started off with right at the beginning, it's ourselves that put ourselves under the most pressure, isn't it? We're our own worst enemies at times.

>> Artie Joshi: Totally, totally. And I think that is it. It's that story you tell thing. And you come back to that. It's like, like, what is the story that you're telling the world about yourself? Because it is that. It's a story. So you can rewrite it.

>> Claire Gray: Sure.

>> Artie Joshi: So what would you like to say about yourself? And if you'd like to see something different, then go see a coach or think about what it is you'd like to say. Yeah, like, what would you. Sharon and I always say? Like, it's definitely. It's a coaching tactic where we say, okay, I've heard you say that about yourself. What would you tell your best pal if they were in that situation?

>> Claire Gray: Never speak to them like that.

>> Artie Joshi: Never, Never. So it is really powerful because they would go tell her just to look after herself and blah, blah, blah. And we're like, well, why do you not say that to yourself? It's so funny. People are like, oh, so true.

>> Claire Gray: So if people want to find out more about your coach and where should they go to find out more, to our website.

>> Artie Joshi: So hellofreedomandjoy.com and also follow us on socials, which I would say Instagram mainly. So just hellofreedomandjoy. brilliant.

>> Claire Gray: Thank you both so much. Made me feel good. You've been very motivated after that. Charged up and I get bit goose bumpy. Thank you. Thanks a lot. Thanks so much for joining us on Skin and Within, where I help you find your inner glow. Stay tuned for more conversations and wellness wisdom for a healthier, happier you.